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 The Creator: Evolution is Power

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PostSubject: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Fri Nov 21, 2014 12:25 am

First topic message reminder :

Chapter 1

Everything has a beginning


Everything has a history. A story... something to tell. Countless lives have survived the test of time. Countless objects, loved items. Family. A city even, have endured. But even in these major accomplishments and milestones, these wonders of the world, everything.... everyone... has a beginning.


Here's mine.





Walking down the street one day with his brother, a young teen male daydreamed, simply following him wherever he went. Brother stopped, he stopped. Brother moved, he moved. That young teen was me. He was a chubby young fellow. Not very strong, to be honest, either. But even he didn't know his own strength. He got to the parking lot of the supercenter and looked to his left and saw a bus coming. he looked to his right saw a young girl, looked to be at least 15 by her height, walking along across the roadway of the parking lot and staring down at her phone, oblivious to everything.

"Apparently the text is more important than her safety" I thought, and thought nothing else of it, but something told me to look again.

I looked to the left and saw that the bus seemed to show no signs of slowing down, and without thinking... I reacted. I ran and sprinted faster than I thought I ever could and pushed her from her lower back. she went a good distance and fell over, then looked back at me.

"Dude what is your-" was all she could say, then she looked to my left, and so did I.

That was when everything changed.


The bus slammed into me, and the last thing I remember hearing was the sound of metal slamming into an unlucky person, and the sound of my arm breaking on impact. Then I slid under, and was crushed by the weight of the bus, literally. I was rolled over several times, every bone breaking. Next thing I know, it stopped after I was out from under it. And there I lay, on my back in the parking lot, bleeding and crushed. People ran to me, stood over me, but all I could do was lay there as my vision faded.

And just like that.... I was gone. After that I remember standing up, looking back and seeing at least 14 people next to me. One was on the phone calling an ambulance. My brother was crying as he tried to wake me from an eternal slumber. It was all over for me.

I followed myself to the hospital, a little shiny cord dragged me along. It was all so surreal. It didn't feel real, but somehow I knew it was real. I could see it. It felt like a 3rd person dream but... I could see it. I was gone.

They said I was alive but I felt like I wasn't. I could see my own corpse. But that little cord said something. It said I was alive. Through that little cord I felt everything that was done to my body. Every face touch. Even a bit of pain. They pronounced me dead, and as they did that little shiny cord disappeared. I felt cold, and alone.

"This can't be real. I can't be dead..." I said to myself, trying to convince myself to wake up... but deep down inside my... well... soul, I knew I was, quite literally doomed to walk the earth,


Ever seen your own funeral? Highly doubt it. If you have then something is seriously wrong. But I was there, watching myself being put into that mausoleum. The one my mother was buried. I somehow managed to show myself to my grandma and touch her, make her feel my presence and comfort her. I did the same to my brother, and grandpa. It was all I could do to make things right with my family for leaving so soon. It was a guilty conscious being a dick to me about something out of my control. I couldn't let the girl die.... it wasn't morally right. I did the right thing.... right?

Well, I didn't see my mother in the afterlife. Made me feel uneasy, and cautious. Something was wrong about that but I didn't search for her. I searched for an explanation as to what was going on with a colorful little cloud near the mausoleum. A friendly little ghost told me a bit about it.

"That cloud is dangerous." he said. "I saw another soul touch one. It was a dark cloud... all black fog... He touched it and exploded. Never saw him again. Since that moment everyone stays away from the cloud here. They're afraid they'll be destroyed."

I was a curious one. Eventually the curiosity got to me. I thought since this one was all colorful, it should be fine. I gazed into the colors. White, light, blue. It was colorful and pretty. Something to me amazed by. So I touched it, like an idiot. But I didn't explode, it engulfed me. I was lifted into the air, and levitated. I could barely see through the colorful fog around me. Next thing I know, I'm in darkness. I woke up in serious pain, and looked around at the blackness around me, and passed out. Then I heard a thud, and felt cold. I opened my eyes to see the light around me, and a roof. Then I passed out again from the sheer pain.

"What's happening...?" I wondered. Then I woke up again and got a hint.

Several men with guns stood around me. In hoodies, their faces covered by what looked like hockey masks or something of the like. I looked at one, and passed out once more. This time when I woke up, I was painless. I tried to sit up but felt a small tinge of pain as I tried to move. I managed to power through it, and got out of the box, only to fall flat on my face. I stood up. and leaned against the box and noticed it was a coffin. A nice one. I continued looking around and noticed I was in the cemetery.

"So this must be Hell." I said to myself. "What the hell is going on..." I tried to walk and stumbled badly, but managed to stay up and moving. "Gotta go home...." I said. "I have to go home..... Find a way out of this mess..." I limped away and out of the cemetery, crossed the street, and made it back to the highway near my house. I saw a couple walking down the road near me. I approached them and asked them the date and time.
"8 AM. It's the 14th." The man said.

"What month?" I said rather high-like. I seemed incredibly out of it, and felt like it too. But the pain was gone already. I wasn't limping anymore, and walked rather normal now.

"October..." The girl said, pretty shy. I could tell.

"Huh.... Thanks..." I replied, nodded, and walked away somewhat drunkenly but regained balance.

Now, I wasn't expecting this shit. I went to take a step forward and wished that I could be home already. Next thing I know mid-stride I seemed to bounce forward.... 15 feet. I basically teleported and fell flat on my face. Then I realized I actually teleported. I went to stand up and saw a circle of people in gray hoodies with a cyber green graphics design all over them looking at me. Surrounding me. I jumped back in surprise and fear and they were gone. Next thing I know I heard "We're Ready." And there was nobody around. I ran home as fast as I could, even though the entire time I wasn't even conscious of where I was going. I was just walking. The entire time.

When I got home I looked and opened the door, looking around for any more of those guys, and went inside. I looked and saw my Grandpa there sitting in the kitchen, my Grandma as well, and my brother. Nobody could believe it was me. They attended my funeral. My brother watched me get slammed by a bus. I looked at them and was speechless as I realized that I was alive. Something weird was going on out there. Then I swore I saw someone else in the kitchen. A man with red eyes. A coat, and he was pulling his glove on his hand, and smiled wickedly. I blinked and he was still there.

"Who is that?" I said, pointing. and nobody turned around to even look. But I did, and he was gone. Then I got bombarded with hugs and love from my family. I thought back on the trek home. Men appeared and surrounded me. I teleported. The month, October. The bus hitting me. The truth hit me square in the face. I had been dead for a month. But, that man... where did he come from, where did he go, and why was he here? Was I seeing things? Hallucinating after being dead for a month? What was going on?

----------------------------------------------

Hey guys, I've been gone a while and decided to work on something new since Jenny tossed a big ass novel project on me because she's a lazy writer. But it got me thinking about the origins of the writing project of hers, and I got thinking about my role in that whole universe thing she and I share. So I thought about a story This was literally thought up yesterday and today and written in less than an hour. Just a free write to get my mind working so I apologize if it sucks, I have almost no personality in the narration other than a guy who seems to hate telling stories and wants it over with immediately, so bear with me while I develop it.... a lot.... I'm really tired and just wanted to type something, bear with me, this should be developed by tomorrow evening.

I don't even know if I'm using that word right. Bear....

I'm a bear. Meow.
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PostSubject: Re: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Tue Apr 28, 2015 1:42 am

Missy wrote:
lmao you remind me of Brian griffin i swear. your arrogance just annoys me a bit. you read half than 10% and now you're some kind of professional critic like you're giving him advice from novelist to novelist.

you're making observations after talking to me for less than 20 minutes and now you think you know me. does that sound right to you?

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PostSubject: Re: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Tue Apr 28, 2015 1:45 am

Ronnie wrote:
Missy wrote:
lmao you remind me of Brian griffin i swear. your arrogance just annoys me a bit. you read half than 10% and now you're some kind of professional critic like you're giving him advice from novelist to novelist.

you're making observations after talking to me for less than 20 minutes and now you think you know me. does that sound right to you?

Lmfao now do you see my point? are you gonna actually fucking read the thing before making a quick observation or are you just gonna go with what every one else is saying to avoid agrument sake?
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PostSubject: Re: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Tue Apr 28, 2015 1:50 am

Look the story isnt bad at all, its just WAAAAY to long to start with, if you're gonna get long with it you need to at least throw out a bone first. let the readers read the summary of it, then if they like it they would read more. if you hit them with full detail head on, with so much overwhelming scenarios going on, people find it easier to just skim or not read it all together.

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PostSubject: Re: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Tue Apr 28, 2015 1:55 am

that's probably the closest to great thing you have said to me ever since i met you. i dont know why you didnt say that sooner. still i believe it's up to the writer to decide that kind of decision
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PostSubject: Re: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Tue Apr 28, 2015 1:58 am

i didnt feel like i had to explain MY own opinion to you when all you were going to do is judge me for it.

the story is not bad, it could use a little more wordplay that makes people more hooked into it and not just get straight into it. he has great vocabulary, and context is easy to understand. a little sloppy on writing words to get a full mind movie though.

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PostSubject: Re: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Tue Apr 28, 2015 2:06 am

..but you said..nevermind..anyways i didnt have much trouble painting a mind movie, though i do feel like there's some things he could have left out, like he's trying too hard to connect to the audience. that isnt necessarily a bad thing, but it makes more for the reading.
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PostSubject: Re: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Tue Apr 28, 2015 2:08 am

some scenes were drawn out waay too long. i like a story that has a lot of detail but not to the point where we are stuck talking about the same thing for 4 or 5 stanzas.

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PostSubject: Re: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Tue Apr 28, 2015 2:28 am

jesus, look, i agree the story isn't exactly presented the right way for a forum, i've made THAT abundantly clear, but in no way is the story really dry, it's just somewhat cliche to me, after playing games like halo, and prey. but there's no reason, to A: fight over his work, or B:put him down for it, chill girls.
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PostSubject: Re: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Tue Apr 28, 2015 1:34 pm

Nu clue wai anyone feeds into Ronnie's trolling but anywayz aih personally like the story. Eet would make a 10x better storeh den halo V nd Black Ops 3.

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PostSubject: Re: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Tue Apr 28, 2015 1:46 pm

S∃7∃N! wrote:
jesus, look, i agree the story isn't exactly presented the right way for a forum, i've made THAT abundantly clear, but in no way is the story really dry, it's just somewhat cliche to me, after playing games like halo, and prey. but there's no reason, to A: fight over his work, or B:put him down for it, chill girls.
*slowly lower m4*
yeah no reason to put him down
>_>
<_<

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PostSubject: Re: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Tue Apr 28, 2015 6:40 pm

and to be fair,Im not a heavy novel reader

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PostSubject: Re: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Tue Apr 28, 2015 10:58 pm

hey it's a pretty good start if you ask me. sounds like it would make a great MOVIE honestly!
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PostSubject: Re: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Wed Apr 29, 2015 10:13 am

godamn ronnie, you straight up ice cold.. i didnt find it that repulsive, in fact i dont see it as dry because his introduction actually DID lead to me to keep readin. You actually sound like you're trying to shoot the guy down saying its not well enough to be presented to the public. I dont believe it's too long because its not a post. it's a story that he took his motherfucking time to write, probably spent hours to work on so that you guys can read and tell him what you think not spit on his creation and then stomp on it. if you're not a novel type person then dont read. i personally see nothing wrong with take a few minutes from gaming all fucking day and read something. it just seems the more technology advance forward people get more lazy. Now you cant even read a novel without mentioning it being cliche due to halo or call of duty.

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PostSubject: Re: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Thu Apr 30, 2015 11:35 am

@Chris Johnson wrote:
godamn ronnie, you straight up ice cold.. i didnt find it that repulsive, in fact i dont see it as dry because his introduction actually DID lead to me to keep readin. You actually sound like you're trying to shoot the guy down saying its not well enough to be presented to the public. I dont believe it's too long because its not a post. it's a story that he took his motherfucking time to write, probably spent hours to work on so that you guys can read and tell him what you think not spit on his creation and then stomp on it. if you're not a novel type person then dont read. i personally see nothing wrong with take a few minutes from gaming all fucking day and read something. it just seems the more technology advance forward people get more lazy. Now you cant even read a novel without mentioning it being cliche due to halo or call of duty.

i dont get it, he's been posting his story here for at least a few months. why all of a sudden its a big deal?

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PostSubject: Re: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Thu Apr 30, 2015 3:27 pm

I'd like to point out, that TV shows do this as well. It's called the "Pilot".

Also so do Movies. Very few I have seen explode into the plot.
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PostSubject: Re: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Thu Apr 30, 2015 3:38 pm

Ronnie wrote:
i didnt feel like i had to explain MY own opinion to you when all you were going to do is judge me for it.

the story is not bad, it could use a little more wordplay that makes people more hooked into it and not just get straight into it. he has great vocabulary, and context is easy to understand. a little sloppy on writing words to get a full mind movie though.

Oh. I see your point.

I'd like to point out that Chapter 1 of this story was actually written in 45 minutes. If you dislike it, I completely understand The entire thing however was a first draft that I decided to keep after I read through chapter 2 and saw a connection that I'm sure Nobody noticed. As the story progresses, from chapter to chapter he gets slightly more relaxed and matured in the Narration. I believe it may be because of the fact that my chapters are taking longer to complete as the story comes closer to it's end (in 20 or 30 more chapters). I honestly thought this writing thing was gonna be easy. I quickly found out that as the story progresses, it gets harder and harder.
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PostSubject: Re: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Fri May 01, 2015 11:07 am

20 or 30 chapters!? Motherfucker you better split that into 2 or 3 more books! lmfao

hey, but do you enjoy writing though?
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PostSubject: Re: The Creator: Evolution is Power   Fri May 01, 2015 1:15 pm

dont listen to shit ronnie says, the way you introduced the setting was great enough. but i do agree with missy alil when she said there's somethings that didnt need to be put in there that's just extra, but all in all not a bad start by any means.

For the niggas constantly complaining about it being too long, when was the last time you read a novel all the way through? the term TL:DR is outdated to the point it shows up in people's character. This has less content on one chapter than a collage Physics textbook have on one page.
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